This post is abolsutely incoherent and not concise at all, for a heads up.
Today, I went biking.
Sadly, this is something that’s a bit rare for me, because though I hate fitness, biking has always been something special to me.
I remember learning to ride without my training wheels in a couple of hours when I was five or six years old. We were at my elementary school on a crisp fall day with wind blowing past our hair, clipping off all our voices save the laughter of naive children. We had been out for seven hours, and my dad was telling me we should probably head home, aren’t I tired?
But the thing is, I still hadn’t perfected everything.
So little me, with my big fat curls announced “no” and tried to ride laps around our school field while civil twilight had long passed.
The dragonflies were buzzing and the last remnants of amber catching the sun’s reflective gaze had died down by the time I finally could ride laps.
It’s been a long time since I remembered that day.
Whether trying to catch up with me brother who would zoom far ahead with a panicking me (trying) pedaling hard and and fast, biking is a huge part of my childhood.
Then I guess I learned two truths about myself.
For the past two years, I’ve found myself clinging to my nail-biting teen drama shows that really gave me absolutely no joy at all, but I found myself watching them as the clock ticked lost hours.
I never really biked anymore.
But when I do, I feel the freedom of riding with the wind past my face, everyone and everything a blur to me as the sky streaked with purple and orange. Only one thing is on my mind– taking control of where I want to go.
And maybe who I want to be.
Today, I went biking to faraway places I never in a million years would’ve been allowed to go, and I pushed myself harder and harder with a goal in mind– writing on this blog. I live near a creek, with long, winding roads, and though there are houses, you can tell the numbers are diminished. There are a few benches there that I always wondered and hoped– I would love to just bike all the way there and read a story while the entire world went by and I had not a care in the world.
Oh, by the way, it didn’t work well when even my brother spoke up for me on that. You know, parents worrying that I’m too young and -oh, it’s painful to write this- because I’m a girl.
But I set out with my head set straight on that one goal, ignoring everything else and winding through the shadows of enveloping trees, the ones you see in old films near the cottages. When I heard music thundering nearby and the dribble of a basketball, I simply went away.
Because I’m very much of an introvert.
I had gone and done this another time too, briefly, and it brought me immense joy. Biking again through the forbidden parts, as far as I wanted to go, brought back a different joy for me.
But what I really, really wanted to talk to you guys about is the main purpose of this post.
I’m a stubborn person. I’ve always been like that for as long as I can remember, and I always will be. But not the stubborn you think.
I could give up on something because I didn’t have the ability to do that and letting my frustration take over every time. Or I could set my jaw on what I truly love for weeks and weeks.
I only now realized a truth about myself that I’m not sure I already knew was deep inside me.
I can be determined to do whatever I want if I really wanted to do it.
This doesn’t sound all to shocking or mighty, but this revelation helped me embrace my inner power and emotions.
I had given up years on this fact about myself, yet I only then realized that bit.
I’d been looking for answers in all the wrong places.
This knowledge, which I had aquired when I was biking up the tallest road ahead of me until my bones ached and my body protested, all so I could be sitting on that quiet bench with no one to judge me, tell me what to do, where I could.. simply be.
That knowledge is currently pulsing through me as I write this past the place where zooming car lights and ever-green vines meet with those cloudy days.
I became a better person today without really the intention to, but I’d been chasing after it for years.
I’ve dealt with me not wanting to watch over-dramatic romances who star people with too much time on their hands and sappy pick-up lines, and instead, embrace this part of me.
I’ve been climbing my mountains for years, and I’ve finally passed one of them. One may not sound impressive at all, but that’s what I have the rest of my time for.
She could relax, for an invisible weight that had been waking her up had been lifted. A wave of calm washed over her senses and made her lighter. Because she loves speaking in third person.
To everyone who’s facing the treacherous woods in front of them right now. I want you to know that it’s always okay to take time off for yourself. The internet can’t help even the best of us, so just-
I can deeply empathize. If you’d like, you may stop looking, and accept that everything will be ok. For a day. And one day is more significant than you could ever dream of. Today I learned a truth about myself.
And I truly hope that you’ll be able to face those woods too.
P.S. I’ve been feeling very quiet lately and doing a lot of thinking. More than I usually do. It’s really been wonderful for me.