hey lovelies! yes, i know it’s been flipping forever since i last posted. the extent to which i’ve changed since several posts ago is shocking, and frankly, so has the world. these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me to go through, and suddenly, writing, yet alone getting out of bed seemed like an impossible feat.
i’ve talked about my mental illnesses a bit before in this post, but even as i wrote it, my steady hope for the future made me fail to realize- i never truly did confront its role in my life. me being a total optimist, i always thought that even in the midst of a severe depressive episode, tomorrow would be better. right?
sadly, no. usually it was worse, but my life somehow managed to find its center of gravity again and continue revolving by some miracle. i realized that i have to accept that my good days and my bad days don’t make me two separate people, one that’s warm and energetic, who loves seeing beauty in the little things and the other who’s utterly and inexplicably tired. all. the. time. i have to accept my illnesses as a part of me if i ever want to live my life and get better.
a story i wrote inspired by my spirals:
on the edge of night, a boy walks a fine line of life and death, both sides opposed… and forever unbalanced. he crumples to his knees and the moon and stars hum together in unison. a light drizzle of rain whispers to him that it will be okay, embraces his painful truth. providing him a sweet solace in his tears.
irrevocably stuck. nothing apparent except hollowness. his insides felt carved out, like his soul had whispered “farewell”, him reaching so far, so high, the spirit of a happier being drifting away into endless night and ignoring his pleas. the hollowness was too much to bear, but the blatant “ba-dump, ba’dump” of his heart seemed to disagree. blood flowed through him as if emboldened by the voices in his head. “i am empty”, reminding him that he is so, so alive. the boy clutched his heart of gold, sobbing as he remembered the memories of a past life he tried so hard to suppress. if feeling was this painful, he wanted to pull the switch on this emotion.
yeah, march was definitely a rough patch.
sometimes i reach dips so low, i wonder how i’m ever getting out. in february, my life spiked so, so low and i didn’t even think i’d ever write a word again… let alone even be here today. stepping foot outside was like being a vampire who walked in sunlight- every minute was painful and sensory overload. it was as if i was losing my mind, and i’ve never hated anything more.
it’s difficult for me to believe how far i’ve come in such little time and how much older i feel in the interim. but right now i’m so full of joy that i get to write this post for all of my friends to read and acknowledge, and to embrace the fact that a future full of friends and family and electric moments of pure, unfiltered happiness is not as implausible as it seems. my anxiety / depression makes it near impossible for me to see that sometimes, but i’m hoping that i’ll be able to cling on to those possibilities to help me get through the pain. hope is really all i have now.
a journal entry from seven weeks ago:
usually i’m full of hope about the future- my future- and i know that no matter how awful things get, there is always a way to rise above it and come out stronger on the other end. but it had become harder for me to confront my truth- sometimes the world i live in is so suffocating. every day was a day of dreadful knowing, as if i had to tiptoe through my days, quick footed before this blaring life caught up to me.
i felt as if i was in too deep a quagmire of my own orchestration, sinking in my mind. a dull throb surrounded every word i spoke as if a wound would be torn open if i spoke above a whisper. if i did, i told myself, the world would explode. gateways to hell would be opened and my prison of a mind would hum hymns to stay calm amidst my racing anxiety. or maybe the embers and ashes that made up ~me~ would drift away in the evening sky, my name already forgotten upon the lips of those i love.
i’ve always had this urge inside me to help people. realizing that there are people out there who have endured the unforgiving wrath of mental illnesses. who can’t think of the last time they genuinely smiled. who feels simultaneously every negative emotion ever yet feels empty inside. who has a war raging endlessly in their minds, who are silently pleading for help. to all those suffering. i may not be able to help those individuals out when i’m unable to help myself heal, but since that day, knowing that even if the smallest of things could make anyone’s day just a little bit better has been enough to fill me with purpose.
the events of february and march have scarred me, but i’m relieved to say that my life has been looking up a little. this is definitely not the last post i’ll be writing for now. for my mind is filled to the brim with ideas that i hope will put a smile on people’s faces even if i’m not feeling it.
here’s to those who are broken as well as to healing *clinks fancy glass of champagne that she’s not even allowed to drink* see you guys soon, and love you lots ❤