my unplanned blogging hiatus, mental health, and my quest to help people

hey lovelies! yes, i know it’s been flipping forever since i last posted. the extent to which i’ve changed since several posts ago is shocking, and frankly, so has the world. these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me to go through, and suddenly, writing, yet alone getting out of bed seemed like an impossible feat.

i’ve talked about my mental illnesses a bit before in this post, but even as i wrote it, my steady hope for the future made me fail to realize- i never truly did confront its role in my life. me being a total optimist, i always thought that even in the midst of a severe depressive episode, tomorrow would be better. right?

sadly, no. usually it was worse, but my life somehow managed to find its center of gravity again and continue revolving by some miracle. i realized that i have to accept that my good days and my bad days don’t make me two separate people, one that’s warm and energetic, who loves seeing beauty in the little things and the other who’s utterly and inexplicably tired. all. the. time. i have to accept my illnesses as a part of me if i ever want to live my life and get better.

a story i wrote inspired by my spirals:

on the edge of night, a boy walks a fine line of life and death, both sides opposed… and forever unbalanced. he crumples to his knees and the moon and stars hum together in unison. a light drizzle of rain whispers to him that it will be okay, embraces his painful truth. providing him a sweet solace in his tears.

irrevocably stuck. nothing apparent except hollowness. his insides felt carved out, like his soul had whispered “farewell”, him reaching so far, so high, the spirit of a happier being drifting away into endless night and ignoring his pleas. the hollowness was too much to bear, but the blatant “ba-dump, ba’dump” of his heart seemed to disagree. blood flowed through him as if emboldened by the voices in his head. “i am empty”, reminding him that he is so, so alive. the boy clutched his heart of gold, sobbing as he remembered the memories of a past life he tried so hard to suppress. if feeling was this painful, he wanted to pull the switch on this emotion. 

yeah, march was definitely a rough patch.

sometimes i reach dips so low, i wonder how i’m ever getting out. in february, my life spiked so, so low and i didn’t even think i’d ever write a word again… let alone even be here today. stepping foot outside was like being a vampire who walked in sunlight- every minute was painful and sensory overload. it was as if i was losing my mind, and i’ve never hated anything more.

it’s difficult for me to believe how far i’ve come in such little time and how much older i feel in the interim. but right now i’m so full of joy that i get to write this post for all of my friends to read and acknowledge, and to embrace the fact that a future full of friends and family and electric moments of pure, unfiltered happiness is not as implausible as it seems. my anxiety / depression makes it near impossible for me to see that sometimes, but i’m hoping that i’ll be able to cling on to those possibilities to help me get through the pain. hope is really all i have now.

a journal entry from seven weeks ago:

usually i’m full of hope about the future- my future- and i know that no matter how awful things get, there is always a way to rise above it and come out stronger on the other end. but it had become harder for me to confront my truth- sometimes the world i live in is so suffocating. every day was a day of dreadful knowing, as if i had to tiptoe through my days, quick footed before this blaring life caught up to me.

i felt as if i was in too deep a quagmire of my own orchestration, sinking in my mind. a dull throb surrounded every word i spoke as if a wound would be torn open if i spoke above a whisper. if i did, i told myself, the world would explode. gateways to hell would be opened and my prison of a mind would hum hymns to stay calm amidst my racing anxiety. or maybe the embers and ashes that made up ~me~ would drift away in the evening sky, my name already forgotten upon the lips of those i love.

i’ve always had this urge inside me to help people. realizing that there are people out there who have endured the unforgiving wrath of mental illnesses. who can’t think of the last time they genuinely smiled. who feels simultaneously every negative emotion ever yet feels empty inside. who has a war raging endlessly in their minds, who are silently pleading for help. to all those suffering. i may not be able to help those individuals out when i’m unable to help myself heal, but since that day, knowing that even if the smallest of things could make anyone’s day just a little bit better has been enough to fill me with purpose.

the events of february and march have scarred me, but i’m relieved to say that my life has been looking up a little. this is definitely not the last post i’ll be writing for now. for my mind is filled to the brim with ideas that i hope will put a smile on people’s faces even if i’m not feeling it.

here’s to those who are broken as well as to healing *clinks fancy glass of champagne that she’s not even allowed to drink* see you guys soon, and love you lots ❤

xx vaishnavi

31 thoughts on “my unplanned blogging hiatus, mental health, and my quest to help people

  1. Gracie says:

    I’m sending you so much love and big hugs!! I really really admire and understand your desire to help others who are struggling and I know you’ll achieve those dreams, you’ve already started 💙💙

    Liked by 2 people

    • vaishnavi says:

      gracieee, your comment meant the w o r l d to me– thank you so much for your kind words!! *hugs you back* yesss, i love trying to help people and seeing that in other individuals like yourself- it makes the world just that little bit brighter. thank you so, so much for your unwavering support!! <3<3<3

      Liked by 1 person

      • Gracie says:

        Ahhh you are so welcome, my lovely! We’re all in this together ❤️ Random thought but I’ve just started a project you may be interested in?? It’s about our identity and how much of that is rooted in our heritage and how we find a path between where we’ve come from and where we’re going and I’d love your thoughts/experiences. I know you’re probably busy so if you don’t have time or would rather not I completely get it. Let me know and I can email you some more info if you’re interested 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Ash Ronnel says:

    vaishnavi!!! you’re back!!!!!! 🥰🥰 i’m so glad to see a post of yours in my feed again because i know it’s going to inspire me.

    “i have to accept my illnesses as a part of me if i ever want to live my life and get better.” < this is such a heavy yet accepting sentence that i can definitely agree with. i'm so sorry to hear about all the rough patches you've been experiencing, you conveyed your emotions so beautifully and yet so heartbreakingly with that short story. ❤ i'm definitely sending my love to you.

    just reading your words about how you're happy to be writing this post and are filled with hope makes me swell with pride, because i know that you can do this and get through it!! 😀 i'm smiling so big right now because you inspire me every single day. this post shows how much of a ray of sunshine you are, because you're not just bouncing back from those rough patches, but you're ready to help others as well. 🥺 ❤

    *clinks glass of champagne i'm not allowed to drink either with you* love youuu ❤ ❤ xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • vaishnavi says:

      OH MY GOSH THANK YOU ASH 😭 now i’ll be smiling for the rest of the day!! aaa, thank you for your words abt. the story- it was quite personal, but i’m also pretty happy i got to share it with you guys! your words have the biggest effect on me, and so does your support!! love you tooo ash 💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

  3. beckythemothling says:

    Your short story is so beautiful and relatable. I have (unfortunately) felt like that before, a lot. That was possibly one of the best descriptions of what depression feels like I’ve read?

    I had a miserable 2019, and so far it’s better, but that’s not really saying much. I know what you mean about feeling older. I hope you feel better soon–it really can be hard. You’re a really amazing person, though, and it will look up for you eventually! I always have to remind myself when I get like that that states of being aren’t permanent. It can be hard to remember, though. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • vaishnavi says:

      you saying that it was one of the best descriptions makes me so happy cuz’ oftentimes, depression is over-romanticized in the media, and i’m so happy for doing it justice.

      aaa, i’m so sorry that 2019 was such a sucky year for you. we shouldn’t have to go through this– NO ONE should. it’s almost like while others want to be happy, ppl going through this just want to be *better*, and i totally empathize with you on that. i hope things only go upwards for you ❤ i'll have to believe it for myself too :)) and you're completely right– just remembering that "it shall pass" helps so much!! getting a comment from you is one of the best parts abt coming back to the blogosphere, i swear. thank you for making me smile becky!! 💖 we’ve got this *power-fist*

      Liked by 1 person

  4. may says:

    hey welcome back!! i’m so sorry to hear you haven’t been having great mental health days, i really hope you’re feeling better now.

    this post is so personal, thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through, sending you so much love!! i know how hard it is to get through the awful days and sometimes it feels endless but im so happy to hear you’re in a better place now. you’re doing amazing. don’t forget to take breaks and prioritize your health and happiness ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • vaishnavi says:

      thank you for your kind comment, may!! i’m feeling a whole lot better and your comment had a lot to do with that too ❤ prioritizing those things has never been my strong suit (…oops. that *probably* has to do with it) but i totally will! :)) thank you once more for commenting ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ju The Dodo says:

    Hey Vaishnavi, glad to see you back!
    I totally understand you. I have those times myself, when I do not see the end of the darkness. Sometimes I think of myself as two different personalities, and anxiety as a friend that wraps me at night. I’m so delighted to know how optimistic you are, and how nothing is holding you back from helping others and making friends. Thank you for this post, I really have to learn from you!❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • vaishnavi says:

      thanks for the warm welcome, ju! yesss, the struggle is too real between being stuck in an endless tunnel of darkness and having anxiety pull you deeper in :(( aaa, ofc! i’m so happy to have written it, and i hope that our anxiety doesn’t stop us from pushing through!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. banditøjul | 10059793 says:

    vaish … i’m so glad you took a hiatus if it ended up being best for you …. NEVER apologize for doing what’s good for your health!! i’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through some not-so-good times and I will be praying for you … i know you’re strong enough to get through it and you are oh-so-loved ❤ ❤ ❤
    you're a creator and an artist and so many things and i know that you'll never stop channeling all of the magic inside into wonderful things
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    Liked by 1 person

    • vaishnavi says:

      your comments always make my day that little bit brighter juls– thank you so much for that and for believing in me!🥺 your words are so touching, and i def hope i’ll be strong enough to come out a better person <3<3<3

      TOP has also helped me so much through the past few weeks, and i honestly have no clue how i would've gotten through them without those meaningful lyrics streaming through my headphones. it's fair to say they're officially my fav band!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Aditi says:

    i love you so so much 💙💙💙 if you ever want to talk, i’m here. personally, i haven’t experienced anything like what you’re feeling except for after one specific incident two summers ago, so i will not lie and say that i ‘feel you’. i have no idea what you’re going through, but i want to help you as much as i can- if you’re okay with it, of course. how can i help you? is there anything you need/want that i can do via internet? 🙂
    also, i would love to call sometime because it’s tedious and i’m slipping into a sucky routine.

    Liked by 1 person

    • vaishnavi says:

      addiii, thank you SO much ❤ i actually wanted to talk to you abt. it but i didn't get the chance- i suppose this post could explain it better than i could ever articulate myself. but there actually is something you could do! if i ever text you and say i'm not doing good, could we just call and talk abt. something happier? it might brighten up my day ❤ but we can totally call otherwise too!! since we'll technically see each other today, maybe tmr? that would be amazing :)) and i love you too 🥺💙

      Liked by 1 person

      • Aditi says:

        i totally get it ❤ yes definitely! i will make it my life's mission to say happy thingzzz (lmao jk jk or…?) oh yeah we're gonna technically see each other today 😂 that'll be great!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Sophie @ Me and Ink says:

    Thank you for sharing something personal and thank you for wanting to create no only for yourself but to make other feel better, that is really kind and sweet. Not everyone would do that so I just wanted to say it is amazing.
    I’m sorry your mental health has been feeling so bad lately but I hope you are proud of yourself for getting through the bad times and for getting through everyday because that is an achievement. I’ve heard from people that learning to live with a mental illness is a journey and I think that you do have to learn to live with it to the best of your ability. I wish you all the best with this journey and if ever want to talk to someone, you can always reach out to me.
    I absolutely love your writing, it is so raw and real and beautiful so thank you for sharing it. You are really talented !!
    And yes, “here’s to those who are broken as well as to healing”, always!! Sending you my best wishes!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • vaishnavi says:

      aaa, your comment made me so happy, sophie ❤ they never fail to! sometimes it's sort of hard to see that, but i suppose it rly *is* an achievement 🙂 i see where you're coming from– it never does get easier per se, but learning to live with it is one of the best hings someone can do. i'll definitely keep that in mind and i'll let you know 💖 aww… thank you SO much, i'm reallyyy glad to hear that. love you, sophie!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. cluelessceres says:

    It’s cold and dark and lonely
    Beneath the spotless glass
    They warned, dont frame these feelings,
    They’re meant to be borne, not shared.
    But I cant resist this yearning,
    To feel the light again…
    The light that hugs and soothes me,
    Everytime I call out in pain.
    Who said it’s wrong to want love
    Or reach out to those who care?
    Vaish, your light, its blinding the sadness
    And making the pain the disappear.
    Maybe one day, the thousands who seek joy
    Will find their happiness through your sweet heart!!!

    (I’m sorry about the wierd spur of the moment free verse, but it’s the only way I felt like reacting to this sad happy post😭🙂😭🙂 keep smiling, love💛💛)

    Liked by 1 person

    • vaishnavi says:

      CERES I LITERALLY CRIED 😭 this means the whole fudging world to me, thank youuu- you’re so sweet!! where do i even begin? it hit so close to home, but it’s also like this little ray of sunshine. whenever i’m going through tough times, i always come back to your poem, and i’m gonna write it down so it’s always close to my heart ❤ love youuu 🥺

      Like

  10. M says:

    Aw thank you so much for sharing what you’re feeling! Personal writing like this is honestly getting me through this period of isolation. I guess this is the perfect time for self-reflection and understanding the why and how behind our emotional rollercoasters. Please keep writing! It’s therapeutic and I’d love to read more.

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

    Liked by 1 person

    • vaishnavi says:

      ah, i totally get you! it’s like nothing is really going right, but reading about others’ experiences going through it reaffirm that yes, this is real, but it shall pass. it really is! and i totally will- thanks for reading m! btw, i ~l o v e~ your blog and have been reading it for the longest time, so seeing a comment from you was so surprising and just made my day

      Like

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